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Dec. 4th, 2009

(no subject)

mood:

awake

so, she passed out in the hallway at school. mom seems to think this'll be baker's last year of teaching.

i need to remember to talk to shelby or ash after i figure out what tori is gonna do for class.

i had this weird dream yesterday. i don't know why, but it just kinda worked its way into my subconsious and stayed there all day yesterday. it bothered me a bit. well more than a bit. i want to tell someone abou tit, and i know if i tell anyone it should be pais, but instinct and seeing reactions in previous situations is keeping me from wanting to tell anyone. it's like, this has happened before, over the summer. i think it's just nothing. these awkward moments don't last long. i just need to ignore it.

short entry, i need to get a shower.

Posted at 04:47 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Dec. 3rd, 2009

(no subject)

mood:

exhausted

everything seems to have calmed down, finally. i'm quite happy with that. they only thing i don't like is the extensive exhaustion i neglected. i feel like everytime i wake up, my body will just shut down and leave me to sleep.
what i find hilarious is that it doesn't matter when i go to bed, just matters when i wake up in the morning.
tuesday nioght i went to bed at like 10 30 ish i think, and i woke up at 4 20. i was bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to go [i was running late too so i just had to out of bed and get moving.]
monday night and last night i went to bed at like 9 30, 10 o'clock, and woke up at 3 45. it feels like my eye lids are going to just slid right down and stay shut for a day or so. i honestly have no clue why i'm so exhausted. maybe i need to stop doing things with pais over the weekend. that might be helping add to the exhaustion.

we find it hilarious that the day baker isn't there in drama exposed, we get the most work done. don't say because we just breezed through it and shit. no. we worked on character while blocking and blocked like 2 or 3 scenes. with baker, we would have been still working on scene one and half assed scene 2 right before the bell rang.
granted part of me is worried that something happened to her mother in texas, which might be why she hasn't been here and gave us no notice of her absence. shit, wolf and them didn't even know. all i know is she's not here for some unexplained reason, and she'll explain later, and upon her arrival, i know the stress and anxiety will build up again and i'll get sicker. the annoying thing is i'm not stressing about anything. i feel at ease. totally calm. and once she gets here, all that stress is going to magically appear on my shoulders again and i'm gonna slowly get crushed under the weight of her stress again.

good news, we're going with my crappy design in physics for the bridge. bad news it'll take forever to make it and i have a gut feeling that douche face in my group isn't gonna do anything AGAIN today because it's "too hard" to roll news paper tightly. he'd rather sit around like the lazy fuck he is, curse up a storm like any other wanna be military fuck, and brood over the fact we didn't pick his design. i'm sorry, how the fuck can we make arches out of news paper? PLUS how could we fit the box under it with all the damn braces under the arch? thank you. i'm not gonna spend my whole time trying to make an arch with a bunch of braces then get disquiallified. fuck that.

Posted at 04:46 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 24th, 2009

(no subject)

mood:

dozing off

and from that one comment, i feel myself wanting to put up distance. i feel uncomfortable. part of me saw it coming. felt it happening. but i still think it's just my imagination. i'm hoping so at least. but if i have to push her away for my own good, then i will do it. i will walk away, and i will take her with me...if she wants to follow me of course. i may be a tad controlling but i won't tell my own girlfriend to avoid her "best friend" just because i feel uneasy around her. not that i feel uneasy just yet. i'm prefectly fine...aside from my lack of sleeping and such.

i want my hair cut. i want it short. i want a pixie cut. i'm tired of the same old cut. i want it short. i like it short. i want to dye it blonde. like a sandy blonde. like beach sand. i like that color. it's probably look bad on me, but i kinda still really want to do it anyway.

i should be doing homework that i have due tomorrow. i'm skipping because my body needs sleep and i need to stop feeling so sick. it's only a half day, so i don't care really.

Posted at 08:02 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 17th, 2009

(no subject)

i'm cold.

stress got the best of me yesterday. it always does.

he still had no right to flip out on me.

to those who are going to be seniors next year, learn it from me, don't take 2 damn acting classes if baker is directing them.

i'm about to lose my head. i'm tired of this.

i'm sorry if i think a main stage should have a nice complete set, good costumes, hair and make up done, and had a couple of dress rehearsals before the damn production week. she can't pin this on us. we weren't the ones who requested to sit in class, and for a block just watching videos or playing improv games or any of that bullshit. rhian turned and looked at me and said "this show is going to be 99% improve with lines...isn't it?" i don't want that. i on;y want improv when it's necessary...

maybe tech would have been better off if i just did tech and didn't act in this one. didn't audition, none of that shit. tech might actually be somewhere. be done. i'm stressing out over tech. they should be so much farther along than this. we should have a stagemanager who has been helping the whole time, but baker kicked jeremy out of that because he's been getting set shit done.

know what. no. i knew this shit would happen. just because of her closing it off to only people in the class. we';re reaching out for stagemanager shit. we need to have a damn stagemanager in class. we need a lights person in class. a set person. a sound person. make up and costume. ones who actually commit and know what they're doing. but guess what, WE FUCKING LACK THAT. i feel like shit for dragging simone into this again. i run to her for lights, and i shouldn't have to. this is like, a third show i've done this to her. i feel bad.

i'm skipping first block today. i need these damn stiches taken out of my mouth, seeing as i couldn't get the bitches taken out last friday like i wanted. like i had scheduled. i freaked out because mom rescheduled for tomorrow at 10 45 am...i have the matinee at 10. i was losing it. so she rescheduled again, and now i have to go out to first colonial today to get them removed, finally. soon i'll be able to chew gum again.

i need another cup of coffee so i can wake up and get a shower.

Nov. 16th, 2009

(no subject)

so, i have a show this week.

a matinee is wednesday.

i don't have my costume complete...or my goatee done yet.

i'm fucking screwed.

i can already tell this week is going to nearly fucking kill me...

Posted at 04:42 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 7th, 2009

(no subject)

walking out of class the other day, or was it yesterday...?

right out of physics and into a crammed hallway of squirmming life. lockers slamming shut and lifeless forms wandering the halls to the doors that lead outside.

...i could swear you almost ran into my for a reason. had to walk in front of me. didn't you? you can't stand seeing me, so i have to deal with watching you walk away, over and over.

maybe i'm over reacting.

every glob of blood. every mouthful i released into the sink yesterday, made me feel like i had been hit. of course, i ended up wondering how the fuck you could take the damn pankillers. how your body was so fine with you denying it food. how you only ate jello.

it's hell puking up blood you seem to keep swallowing. hell to feel like you're constantly being attacked. but now, i just feel annoyance from just seeing you walk. supream irritation for thinking about last year. about people making their comments and how you could ignore them so well and i couldn't. the eating issue.

and just watching you walk away, time after time after time after time.

yesterday i lapsed back and thought about everything i burned out of my mind...

i really wanna burn those notes, but i don't wanna seem spitful.

new topic, my mouth is still sore. i taste a faint coppery kind of taste in my mouth. on monday, if baker bitches about me not opening my mout wide like she wants, she can suck a nut. my mouth can only be opened like, halfway right now, so she can deal. i can still project pretty damn well. i realized the pepto tastes like fucking chalk, rotten fruit, and cream put together. never again. i had to take a sip of it and chase it with ginger ale. it took me like 10 minutes just to drink 2 tablespoons like i was supposed to. i think i want to get a shower. my scalp is irritating me, and i feel unclean. haha

Posted at 08:33 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 29th, 2009

(no subject)

i don't know what it is...

but this school has changed a lot.

i don't know what brought on this change.

but it's sickening.

and i'm actually getting
more and more anxious
more and more scared

just, everytime someone i don't know
holds their eyes on me for more than a few seconds...

i feel sick and i wish i could just leave this school now

i feel this acid slowly eating away at my last few shreads of hope

if graduation doesn't come soon, i'll have snapped

if it weren't for her,

i wouldn't be able to even think right now

but slowly i'm thinking just her

just this one girl

isn't going to hold me together forever

and sooner or later i will lose it

i will break

and the dam will let everything slip passed

and i'll be broken by the people i trusted and let myself stay vulnerable to

i'm sick of crying.

Posted at 10:28 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 24th, 2009

(no subject)

i have a lot on my mind, yet nothing on my mind at all.

i'm still tense from thursday. not as tense, but still a bit on edge.

i wanna smack baker. i'm sick of her telling me what my character needs to do. who my character is. i made my character. if i wanted any damn opinions on character from that show, i'd ask ms. byrd simply because she saw the show, and she might actually take my opinion seriously enough to not shoot down my character.

i mean honestly, why does my character imagine the show in a western? because the western time seemed to be so hard, have a challenge for physical might at every turn. there was always a girl who needed a guy's help. the guy would have to work for it. my character is bored with life. he wants a challenge for his muscles and mind. he longs to actually have to work to make a girl swoon as he walks passed. he feels like he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. that he is rich with looks and power but he doesn't have a decent challenge to apply his riches to.

she wants him to have a low self image. he does, but not completely. it's more like he thinks he doesn't deserve what he has.

hmm, doesn't that sound familiar?

Posted at 01:37 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 23rd, 2009

(no subject)

mood:

scared

when i'm stressed and tired, i break down easily. i realized this. this is why i cry as much as i do.

yesterday, oh boy yesterday. after all that bullshit. after all that shit happened...

i'm scared. i can't take a second round of that. not right now. not to that extream. i'm used to hearing shit. i'm used to just getting irritated and biting my tongue. but i can't do it in that potent of a dose. a train just fucking hit me and splattered my remains. dragging them along down the tracks. i feel sick. i'm afraid to hold her hand at school. i'm afraid of showing any affection at school now. not with the condition i'm in right now. it'd be like a horse dragging me around by my feet. i can only take so much. they broke my limit yesterday. granted that limit wasn't that high, but they broke it.

and now i'm scared of seeing the family for thanksgiving. they suspect. of course, they would be immature little fuckers and make retching noises when they see me, but they will make the snide remarks they've been forming their whole life. i can feel it coming. i feel a storm coming as thanksgiving approaches. either i can hide in the house and stay safe and dry, or i can try to fight it and probably get hurt by their thunderous, hateful words and their blinding lightning glares that make my soul ache more and more. i'm beyond scared. i'm beyond hurt. this is one wound i'm not wanting to pick at, but i know i'll have to at some point...

Oct. 20th, 2009

(no subject)

i stopped and thought for once. i know, scary.

really i've been having weird dreams lately. they seem so realistic...yet not.

last night, for instance, it was during the women. we were all back stage. and i started analyzing how i felt for you. yes, i even over analyze everything in my dreams. i started to connect lines between you and someone i've felt like this for. there's always been this attraction. this physical and emotional attraction. this desire.

but, not the kind of attraction i ever realistically thought i could pursue. i would think it for a second, dream of it, but deep down i knew it'd probably never work.

just like the dream i had the other day. i dreamt of you randomly saying you like me. well, not random. i could sense it coming and you just said it. i remember considering it. not considering it, wanting it. but then i thought about it. looked down the road, and i could tell you'd get tired of me. i'd feel out of place after a while.

you remind me of a friend of mine. someone i've also known since sophomore year. she was in my intro class, and in my drama exposed class last year. someone else who i've felt this wanting for, but known it would never work. i think sophomore year is when i was surrounded by all these people who made me most comfortable in my life. who can still keep me comfortable. sophomore year is when i found i really wanted these people around.

and here i am, still wanting them around. wanting 2 of them more than the rest. i can't figure out why.

Posted at 04:17 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 11th, 2009

18?!

i got old yesterday.

scary no?

i think this is one of the first birthdays in a while that i actually felt a bit older. just, something made me feel like i was in control or in charge or something. like being thrown into stagemanaging and no one listening, until out of nowhere, they all stop and listen, and i have that sense of ownership and control.

it was interesting.

i spent the day with pais. it was nice.

i have a shit ton of homework and i don't wanna do it.

i have no reason to not apply to places so i can no longer be lazy about doing so.

i have a desire to just quit school and live with her.

i have a desire to tell that one college to fucking stick it.

the end.

Oct. 5th, 2009

whoo for reassigning foxx's color

mood:

exanimate

i think i'm getting sick.

but i keep saying it's my allergies in hopes of it being true.

just like i keep saying the food is stale,

a little too hard for him to chew.

just an explination as to why he's having such a hard time eating and keeping it down.

so i drove to school today, and walked into the commons after the bell rang and everyone had gotten to their corners of the commons and were socializing. for me to have gotten there late and just been there made me feel off. i saw pais, and my first thought was to tell her happy 3 months, and go get my books. so i gave her a hug and kiss and was getting ready to walk away when coupard reaches out and says "mommy"

i almost kept walking. shit i would have if it weren't for her hands and adorable voice saying mommy. she acted all hurt of course, and i apologized over and over while hugging her. that just caught me so off guard for some reason. it's cute. now i know why mommy lashelle and amanda don't mind people calling them mommy. it's really...different. especially for me, when it's one of the few days i wore girl ish clothes. one of those days that being motherly sounds just so, amazing. it made me smile a bit.

her eyes and nose were red after second block. i swear, i wish i could just punch some teachers in the face, so damn hard. i wanna tell her to drop honors english because it isn't worth it if she'll just keep getting so damn stressed out. stressed to the point she just might have an anxiety attack in school, because i know damn good and well i wouldn't know what to do. if i saw that happen or if i just heard about it happening.

so, some bullshit college out near virginia tech just called and wants to offer me 18,000 dollars to go to their school. i'd rather not go to school and stay near by, then go to some school i've never heard of, that isn't near my house, and be stranded from everyone i know and love. i doubt i'll even have much of a future so why waste the money on schooling that won't do me any good? i feel like i'm stuck in last year's situation.
move to some state and go to college there, leaving everyone here, or staying here and jut not going to school. ruining my "future" for someone who didn't love me. shit, foxx didn't even like me.

what if i do that again? what if i find out she really doesn't like me as much as she thinks she does? what if i fuck up my life just because my heart speaks so much louder than my mind? what if it doesn't make a damn difference? what if college does me no good? what if i just became one of those partiers who just lives to get trashed and stoned and fuck up my life?

maybe i need to stop being a living double standard.

the only way to do that would be to just die.
no schooling could get me to that goal.
shit, just give me a minute to overdose on something.
stimulants or something.
and we can see if my heart will just give out so i can stop and listen to my brain...

Posted at 08:30 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 27th, 2009

reassigned blue

mood:

relaxed

i think i pushed it yesterday. the great snougaring event of the millenia...and i wake up this morning so damn sore. but it was worth it. i could go through everyday being sore if that meant we could do what we did as often as we wanted.
it would've been better if she coulda slept over, or if i coulda slept over. i love sleeping with her. of course, she only lays with me until i fall asleep, then she has to go lay in her bed normally, but still, just with her doing that, i sleep a little bit better than i normally do. i wish her dad would be gone next weekend too. then i would be able to sleep with her. and i wouldn't freeze half to death because i lack body heat. X'D

so we got "married" friday at bulldog's house. i feel really happy with where i am. i kinda wish she was born like, 6 days earlier, that way she'd be in my class, and not in 2011, but i'll deal.

i hate to keep saying this, but i'm really happy. i really truely am. i just...i wish we were older, didn't have to live at home. i'd really like to live with her. i don't feel like i need to worry. we haven't argued. maybe one heated discussion. that's it. is that bad?

i feel like i can see kaylin or stephh or disko or ash or niki just tense up reading that.
i know everyone argues and fights, but it isn't like that. we immediately jump to compromise. if i state one thing that bothers me that she does, she jumps right to trying to fix it, and she lets go of it once i tell her it's nothing big and that i can deal with it.

like, here's an example.

we were painting her room last weekend and her mom came into her room and bitched about something. pais got irritated and argumentative and just bitched for about a minute after her mom left the room. a day or 2 later i told her it kinda bothered me, but mainly because i don't like just sitting there when people bitch, but i could tell she just needs to bitch about things sometimes. i'm the same way. as soon as i brought it up, she started with the promises of changing it because she doesn't want things to bother me.
of course i explained i don't want her to change, but to just understand why i get awkward when she starts bitching like that.

we never raise our voices with each other, we never truely get mad at each other. it's come to the point thay i've felt a change with how i react with people i'm dating. with people in general. i just don't care what they do. it defines them. i've come to hate how i wanted to control everyone. i've come to the conclusion that people don't want or need my opinion anymore. they didn't in the first place. and i shouldn't offer it unless it's asked for it. sounds like common sense, i know, but i feel like i'm finally following through with it.

in other news, i need to get more coffee and get a shower because pais wants me to go to neptune festival.

Sep. 22nd, 2009

sorry for the scattered thoughts

mood:

thinking

it still kinda hasn't hit me that i'm a senior. part of me thinks i'm gonna stay there with pais and everything will be perfect. it's not until i think about it, that i realize, that's not going to happen. i won't be in the halls, seeing her, walking her to class, take care of her. instead i'm gonna be off in some college close by, probably tcc, and getting stupid prerequistises out of the way because i don't want to go to odu and try to get all that shit done there. THEN when she graduates, she's going off to vcu [well that's where she wants to go] and it's feel like stephh left me again and i'll shut down.

i think i can say this. i know i've felt like this with a few people, felt as though i could just live with them and everything be fine. now my sleep is going off. i need to sleep over at her house to feel like i'm actually getting rest. i know with a lot of people i dated, i wanted to move in with them and live with them and be near them in that way. with pais, i'm getting to the point that i'm thinking farther down the road. i see what potentially could happen, and i want to avoid it completely. i want to claim her as mine, live with her, everything. i only want her. sure someone caught my eye, but that was it. just caught my attention. i accepted that girl as a friend in my mind.

what's different is how i interact with her. i don't get mad with her, frustrated. i don't feel like things would be better if one of us adjusted something. everything honestly feels natural. no insane pressure. yea, maybe i said it was like this before with other people, but honestly, it was only close to this maybe with shelby. back when i was closing off and not wanting to open up during the year. when i thought opening up wouldn't help. again, i fucked up that relationship.

but now, now with pais, maybe my senior ness is showing. i'm actually seeing i need people. i'm opening up. last night, with the mood i was in, i normally wouldn't have opened up unless roy were there and i looked him in the eye and he knew something were wrong. instead, this time, i just completely left pais enough hints to understand i was in a shitty place. bulldog tried to help, and she kinda did, but pais of course did a lot more. but still, bulldog did help some.

speaking of pais, well this whole thing talks about her, but whatever. i asked husky who seemed to be the dominate one and she replied with this.

"well, you are the 'man' in a sense, while you are the dominate one really."

i'll be honest, that's what it always seems like with me. i'm masculine, but submissive. i kinda wonder why, but i don't really care anymore. all i do know is it works for me, and anything dealing with me works for her it seems.

Posted at 04:10 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 19th, 2009

"i'm your samuri"

mood:

bashful

"i think i'm falling in love with you."

i don't know why, but that had me stunned. i smiled though.

i know, i seem to say this a lot, but i feel safe. i feel like i'm absolutely safe. free to not be judged or pushed aside. i could see her every damn day for weeks and weeks and weeks, and she wouldn't mind seeing me. the contrast. oh the contrast. i seriously feel like i'm gonna cry tears of joy. i finally feel like i'm balanced. i feel protected. i feel useful. i desired. i feel like i've finally woke up from a nightmare i couldn't escape. i feel no conflict with her. i feel so at ease. even when she gets stressed, i just let her bitch for a minute and get it out of her system, then she's fine. i don't need to explain or reason. i don't need to work at it to make her understand. i just need to let her balance it out on her own. she reads me so fucking well. i could have a vacant expression and she'd just ask what's worrying me. she doesn't like to look people in the eyes, yet she can read mine so damn well. i feel like i don't have to try or work hard. it feels so natural. so second nature ish.

i feel like a cliche, love-struck character in a horrid teen novel. i feel so lost in this euphoric, cuddly palace with her. i feel like the only things that get to me are from myself. my worrying. and even then, she banishes all thoughts of worry or anxiety in one touch of her soft lips and her safe, warm arms wrapping around me. i feel like a damn present to the world now. i feel like this smile stuck on my face can be infectious. that i can honestly make people smile with my goofy grin. it's like i have butterflies, except they're just dancing on my skin.

Posted at 04:43 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 14th, 2009

(no subject)

i'm kinda pretty much irritated with physics. sure it seems fun, but it's a little hard for me to keep up with meechan. he seems a bit...eccentric maybe? i like his personality, and he kinda talks like his sister in law, so i feel comfortable with him, no doubt about it. i just find myself getting a little lost. like i can't keep up with him. maybe it's because my mind is elsewhere and i'm still kinda in summer mode, but i don't know. it's a little hard is all.

you texted me last night. it caught me off guard that you'd even text me back. it was cool that you did though. everyone else is that class either bothers me or i don't know them all that well. like shaunie, she seems cool even though i don't really know her. kevin morrison on the other hand, is unbareable.

i hate being around people i knew in elementry school. "why?" some of you ask.
it's the fact that most of the guys are asshole about me being a lesbian. back in the day, i was accused of being bi and all that shit and being gay, and poor sheltered me didn't know what exactly that meant, but i knew it was bad because of how they said it. and i tried to contridict whatever it was they were calling me and tried to act all boy crazy...

worst mistake of my life. i still hear shit about it. like james at courtney's birthday party, something came up about me hitting on someone, and he had to bring it up. "yea, christie, i remember back when you used to be all boy crazy and shit in elementry school."
yea, well i remember when james' head looked too big for his body and he had a rat tail. and i remember when kevin's hair was all long and had like high lights in it or something. i remember when reid looked all geeky.
yea, james was the only one who actually said what was on his mind, but if any of the other ones see me with a girl i like or i'm flirting with or anything, it's like i can just read it in their eyes. it irritates me because i get paranoid, but honestly i know this isn't all in my head. it's all in their body language and their facial expressions. it bothers the fuck outta me.

ughh

sorry, my mind just left me.

anywho.

school is boring. i wish it were summer again.

Posted at 04:07 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 12th, 2009

(no subject)

mood:

out of it

i can't tell you this to your face simply because last time i said something like this, you seemed irritated beyond belief.
oh and p.s. i think this is your color, if it isn't, then now it is. :P

ANYWHO

you remind me of her. the way you talk sometimes. the way you act sometimes. just, little things here and there make me think of her.

there are some many times i've wanted to defend that boy, but i haven't just because i keep thinking you'll think i'm taking sides.

WHICH REMINDS ME

people always think i'm taking sides. it's just how i try to resolve things between people. i explain how the other side could be like, and try to explain how they shouldn't be mad, how to understand it all. and people always get defensive or they don't listen it feels like.

oh, side note, i didn't tell them anything today. i just stood aside. again i slip into the shut the mouth until they ask something. i'm leaving them enough hints. they suspect it. that's all that matters now.

and something that's been going on the past few days i guess, i'm ok with her 2 friends now. no clue why or anything. i just am.

that's about it.

oh wait, i need a job or else poor metapod won't be getting filled up much more.

Posted at 08:09 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

(no subject)

mood:

contemplative

and now i'm stuck. well, not completely. i have to visit them for alex's birthday today and they're suspicious now. either i don't wear the ring she bought me and have a chance they won't ask questions, or i wear it and most likely get questions. dad makes it seem as though i shouldn't tell them. mother is kinda the same way, but mom also show more support over "do what you want". seriously, that's all dad tells me. well what i want is selfish. what i want is to not have to constantly censor myself with them because it's irritating me. this also happens to be why i hate the beginning of school years. the teachers all want to get to know me, and i never know if they'd be cool with me if i were actually me, or how long they'll take to put 2 and 2 together.

but back to the issue at hand. i don't know what to do. i want to tell them, but i don't wanna cause issues. i hate being he topic of discussion with them, whether it be a good discussion or bad, i don't care. i take a while to honestly want to be the center of the attention with friends, and family is more distant than friends. much more distant.

i don't know. i think i'll be selfish again in my life. i mean, as far as how i see it, there's a possibility if i wear that ring, and a possibility if i don't. either way, there's a chance their gonna ask questions.

random thought: i wonder if caffine makes me gain weight.

Posted at 06:35 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 11th, 2009

(no subject)

you have grown to irrititate me more and more. i don't know why. no, i do know why, i just would rather not confront you about it because there'd be a big arguement and all this bullshit conflict and all this other shit because i can't keep to myself and mind my own business.

next line of business, you're in my class. why did i even take that class? because i knew, somehow, i'd be able to have just that class with you. and guess what class i have with you. i feel on edge around you. i'm not sure if you'd turn around and hit me or just glare at me or just ignore me completely.

quite frankly, i don't know if any of those would hurt me anymore, but i'm still on edge.

i've felt terribly under the weather lately. like since monday? no wait, monday i went to pais's. it'd be tuesday. that morning i woke up, i felt like shit. it's been a rain cloud over my head every day so far, from the time i get up, to the moment i pass out at night. mom and i agree i'm just stressed and that combined with a couple other things, would hopefully explain why i feel so much like shit. i just hate that i feel so sick. i nap when i get home and i eat decent food to eat, but my stomach is all "fuck you" to anything i eat it feels like, and napping doesn't do shit for me it feels like.

i've discovered i dislike my neighbor's. the people across the street mainly. the asshole has this big truck he won't park or his side of road, in his driveway, or in his damn garage. and that blocks the view for people when they try to pull out of the court. it's fucking annoying. i parked in "his" spot well, joe did and i parked behind joe, and the asshole wait for me to leave in the morning to move his damn truck where my car was. i wasn't even down to archdale yet and his truck was out of his driveway.

people in the world irritate me.

Posted at 04:38 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Sep. 4th, 2009

(no subject)

it's...it's insane how linked i feel.

out of nowhere i feel fine. texting her. lalala. she doesn't reply, so i kinda worry, but then think, "oh, she probably didn't feel it, or left her phone in her room or something..." then after about 10 minutes, something just felt off. something seemed to be jumping around at the bottom of my gut. something was irritating me. i felt worried out of nowhere. finally she texts back, and i just felt my stomach get in knots. like knots you can't even try to get rid of. it felt like last october, when my parents came home from seeing shauna's mom. that same wretched feeling like i was going to be in a shitty situation and it was going to have tears all through it.

it felt like a one word reply. those always put me on edge. then a one word reply, a real one, and it just made me feel hallowed out. so finally i let my gut ask if she was ok.

i hate when people say no. i love it but i hate it.

otto. that dog gave me a bad feeling last night. that dog worries me because of how close she is to him. that dog had a fucking seizure and pais freaked. i was getting tired and wanted to go to sleep, but now, sleep is the least of my worries. i'm honestly scared. he's always been there for her, and now this happens and she's scared. dammit, i wish i could drive over there. i wish i could go and see her. i wish i could try to calm her down. but i'm even to the point that i don't know what to say to help. that point where i know i need to just hug her and let her know i'm there to listen and try to help. i would call her but i can't even compose myself. everytime i think about the whole situation i get scared and worried and start getting all teary eyed again.

i hate being alone with my thoughts. all it does is remind me that i can let whatever out that wants to come out. i'm bawling my eyes out because i'm scared for her and thinking about what it'd be like if it were salieri. or remembering last november with aimee and how i wouldn't stop crying. or just thinking about how she's probably sitting in her room and just crying and no one being there for her because oh her little sister is more important or no one else in that house bonded with the dog so no one else knows what she's going through.

i wish i were there.

i wish i'd stop crying like a child.

Posted at 10:37 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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